Good news, bad news . . .

Good news first?  Yeah, what the hell.  It's my lame attempt at optimism. 

Okay, so I had some extremely-EXTREMELY-uncomfortable dental experiences in my youth.  The guy was a true sadist, and not at all kind to children.  Whether my mother knew about this, didn't believe me, or just couldn't do anything about it for monetary reasons is unknown to me.  But it was like being tortured again and again and again as I had almost a dozen teeth pulled to get ready for braces.  To this day, even the smell of Novocaine causes me pain in my gums, and that is not an exaggeration!  So I already didn't like dentists, and avoided going if I could.  In my early 20s, I had a good dentist who was very kind, but his hygienist was a bitch.  So I would avoid going just to avoid her.  But I still went on a semi-regular basis, even if it was every 1 1/2 to 2 years. 

Lately, though--well, I've lived in 3 different cities in the last 6 years, had 7 different mailing addresses, and had a baby.  Two close pets passed away.  My husband got laid off.  Financial uncertainty.  So I didn't make time for the dentist.  I admit it, but mistake.  I did the best I could to take care of my teeth in spite of this, but I still knew I was putting off something really important.  So, when my son got his first ever dental exam recently, I felt like I should set a good example and finally take care of that myself.  So today was that appointment! 

Let me say, if you have put this off, make sure you get your teeth cleaned soon!  The hygienist scraped and clawed and grunted at my teeth harder than anyone ever has, and said, "You're making me work today!" in an exasperated tone.  At that, I reminded her, "I'm not enjoying it very much, either!"  She laughed, said that made it better . . .  Hahaha!  Still, she was nice about it, just said I'd waited too long, but she understood.  At least I was there taking care of it now, you know what I mean? 

But the good news is, my exam and x-rays were absolutely STELLAR!  The dentist said he couldn't believe it had been that long since I had been out of dental care, and that my teeth were in the good shape they were in!  Yea!  I really needed the good news!  Healthy teeth and gums!

I really needed the good news, because as I was having my enamel and gums scraped, my husband texted me to say he had gotten served court papers again.    Yeah, the guy did it again.  AB is back.  At least it's still in small claims court.  But here in California, the upper limit is $7500!  That's kind of a lot for most people, and for a family on a single income, it's even more.  Gonna study and be prepared again, hopefully it will turn out well.  But that was not good news.  Not at all.  Although, I really expected it soon.  So it wasn't a real surprise or anything.

On that note . . .  Well, I'll end by saying life keeps coming at us, but we keep living.  I've been doing my best to take care of business, get things under control, so I don't feel as much in chaos as I sometimes do.  I'm always a work-in-progress, but at least I can say I'm progressing, right?  Last time we got served court papers I panicked, cried, and generally freaked out, then pigged out on pizza.  Not this time.  And as I'm finding this out I'm at the dentist?  Still didn't freak out?  Proud of myself for that.  Maybe I'm getting stronger.  I like to think so.

Flaky and Nutty

Since this is the only venue in which I have talked about this, where I can be as anonymous as I choose, I feel I can write about my court date today.

I want to say it went well, but nothing happened.  The plaintiff did not show up.  I'm not sure exactly why, but the case was dismissed without prejudice.  If we had missed the court date, we'd have a judgment against us, and we'd have to show good cause to have missed the court date and have the judgment vacated.  However, he can miss it completely, never show just cause, and file again.  Doesn't seem fair.  Maybe he just realized that he filed incorrectly, that he should have used his business name instead, and chose to be vindictive and make us show up to court.  Maybe he's toying with us, harassing us in some way.  It took a good deal of scheduling and coordinating to get us there, to get someone arranged to take my son to school, and get to court on time.  I'm disgusted with him right now.  Call him A.B.  Well, A.B., we will still be prepared if you file again.  We'll perhaps be even more prepared, if possible.  Anything I can find, I will use.

I've also spoken with a friend of mine who claims to be more in touch with the spirit world than I.  What an interesting conversation!  I think I've always been in denial a bit about whether or not I possess certain abilities.  I'm a skeptic, to say the least.  And even though I believe in ghosts or paranormal activity or whatever you want to call it, I've had few experiences that I'm willing to call "paranormal" without a doubt.  Most experiences I've had, I've doubted.  But there are a few times in my life where I can't quite explain it away, and a couple of times where I felt I was getting messages.

I'm not sure, even in this anonymous environment, that I feel I can fully disclose these events.  They are very personal, and they bring to mind moments of enormous grief in my life.  I hesitate to dredge that up now, on a day when my emotions are so close to the surface.  I can be general, though.  Both of the "messages" I felt I was getting from the "spirit world," or whatever you want to call it, came right before someone close to me passed away.  Within 48 hours of passing, actually.  It felt like I was given a chance to say goodbye, but I wasn't sure.  Now, years later, I'm sure.  Recently, I've begun to feel some kind of "influence"--or something-- in my life.  This conversation with a friend over coffee led me to believe I would feel cold if they were trying to tell me something.  And when I was in the courtroom waiting for our case to be called, there was a chill over me the entire time.  My husband said he never felt cold, and when I first walked in the courtroom, it felt warm.  I could say it was my nerves or something, could keep denying this, but I could also consider the possibility that my "guides" were telling me it would be okay.  It could be true, right?  Maybe there are some kind of guides trying to help me in my journey, if I'll only hear them.  Hmm.  Makes me think.  And life away from the crushing influence of religion in the South has only made me more spiritual, in a way.  I've been leaning away for so long, so tired of hearing it all, so tired of everything being made to seem like God is out there, I was glad to move to a place where atheism isn't a bad word.  I'm still an atheist, don't get me wrong, but I'm starting to think that just because there isn't an omnipotent force doesn't mean there can't be energy out there, something that lives after the body dies.  From a scientific standpoint, it makes sense. And the energy could find a way to communicate, just not as clearly as a person can, since it's not complete energy.  Complete as in "energy combined with a corporal form" that makes a person able to communicate the way they do.

I digress.  Starting to ramble.  It's been a rough week, to say the least.  And I know the whole lawsuit thing isn't over, which doesn't help.  But I'll be less nervous if we ever go back.  That helps.  I'll know what to expect and be waiting.  And I've been homesick like you wouldn't believe.  I've never wanted a pair of cowboy boots so bad in my life!  LOL!!  I really was never a fan, but somehow I want them like never before!  Hahaha!  Cavender's gift card, please!  :D  Okay, that's it.  I'll be back in a better mood after this.  The boy has a day off on Monday, and I've been looking forward to time off of all the schedules.  Later!

Grilling

Have a barbecue to go to this afternoon.  It's with a couple my husband met through the internet, and their son loves our son.  I'm kind of neutral on the parents.  They seem nice enough, but they bicker, and the husband started to badmouth my hometown before I changed the subject.  I hope I'm not being immature about it, but it's quite a turnoff when someone does that.  It's not like we left home because we didn't like it, we left because we had job opportunities elsewhere.  I still miss home like crazy.  It's a great place to live and grow up, and quite frankly, my son is missing out by growing up here.  But I digress . . .

So I'm not excited about going, but hopefully it will be fun anyway.  Just watch the kids enjoy themselves.  And tomorrow we have company coming over to our place.  It's a couple and their 2 kids we feel a lot closer to--so far.  We don't know them too well yet.  But it's nice to meet some other southerners like us.  It should be fun.  I'm excited to have them over, for yet even more barbecue, and to have the boys play, especially since one of their boys seems like he might be gifted like my son is, and maybe they can relate well.  And it's nice to have friends who "get" you, and who understand the whole marriage-kids dynamic that a lot of people I've met here just don't understand.  Hopefully we'll get along, and hopefully we can become close, if it works out.  I'm just hoping for some close friends here, finally.

So even though I qualify everything with potential for disappointment, I'm actually pretty optimistic.  Looking forward to tomorrow and the potential for friendships.  And my son has his pinewood derby going on with the cub scouts tomorrow, too, which he is excited about.  He probably won't do well, since it was his first attempt at building a car, and it was a little bit light and the wheels are a bit crooked.  But he's excited, and who knows?  Maybe he will surprise us!  Should be fun.

Next week is our court date, for the small claims case we are defendants in.  Then WE will be grilled.  At least it will finally be over, one way or another.  Looking forward to the week after, honestly.  Nervous as all heck.    But then we'll know how broke we'll be.  Could be worse, I suppose.  Could have been regular court, instead of small claims.  Could have had to pay over $1000 for medical bills last month.  Maybe things will go our way?  Still nervous, but trying to be realistic.

That's it for now.  Lots of uncertainties, but potential for good things.  That's good.  Talk again.  :)

????

Yesterday was a weird day.  It turns out, it was weird for everyone in my family.  Well, immediate family.  My son somehow got sent to the principal's office, they said because he threatened 2 other students, but I'm not sure if that's really how it happened.  He's such a smart and sweet kid, and always feeling bad if he does something wrong, it was strange to hear he had done this.  It might have been a horrible misunderstanding.  Then my mood was weird, just pessimistic and dreary, more so than usual.  My husband and I had watched Changeling the night before, the movie directed by Clint Eastwood that Angelina Jolie got rave reviews for.  It was such a disturbing and frustrating film, it stuck with me up until morning, and then throughout the day.  I kept thinking how difficult some things are to change, and how little some people seem to care.  There is such a complacency about society, that few people act together to make things better.  It hurts me sometimes when I think about that.  How I know such horrible things are going on right now, that no one does anything about.  That feeling lingered yesterday.

But so far today is better, I can safely say now that it's almost over.  Doing laundry, my son is back to normal, and we'll see how the evening goes.  So just hang in there, if anyone's reading this.  I know I have very mercurial moods lately, but it's a difficult time for us.  We're working through it.

Hey . . .

Just wanted to make sure I take advantage of a few minutes to blog.  I've been busy, yes, but also preoccupied.  Worried some things in my life are going to be lost due to my neglect.  First on my list would be my husband.  I think I have been neglecting our relationship since I've been depressed.  It's easy to give in to my emotional state and just withdraw, and sometimes we aren't the best at communicating.  I might feel stressed out and try to talk to him about it, and he's in a similar state doesn't feel like he can handle my feelings on top of his . . .  So I just try not to talk about feelings with him.  As a result, I don't feel as close to him as I used to.  I don't feel close to anyone, honestly.  My family is far away, but it's one of those things where it feels like I'm doing all of the work to keep us connected.  They never seem to ask about my son, and I usually end up feeling like there is just "ice" between us, a chill that never warms up.  It wasn't necessarily like that when I was growing up, but it is now.  Distance growing figuratively as well as literally.

And who else am I supposed to confide in?  So far, the friends I've made here have been false ones.  Still looking for real friends.  And with a lack of closeness between my husband and I, I wonder what will become of us.  And how much of it is my own fault?  Maybe it's just the ways I've chosen to "help" really seem to "hurt".  I don't even know.  I think he doesn't want to hear my feelings, or that he'd invalidate them by making me seem like I'm overreacting to whatever the situation might be.  He treats me like that.  Maybe I assume he feels that way a lot, even when he doesn't.  But in my defense, he has taught me to feel that way.  So what's left?

As I worry about that, I worry about my son, my own goals . . .  My son has had problems lately, things that concern me, but aren't the worst in the world.  Still worries, though.  And my own goals?  Nonexistent.  I really have none.  I have a website that I try to put artwork on, stuff that helps me work through stress and grief.  I want to do something positive, to change the world for the better, but I think I'm going to be one of those people that passes away without many people even knowing she existed.  Am I really even living life to the fullest?  Not in the slightest.

That's not to say I've never had any positive experiences, because I have been very lucky throughout my life, in spite of limited means.  I've done a lot of things I never thought I'd do.  But I can't find myself content to live in the past, and merely enjoy the things I've already done, with no plans to ever do anything ever again.  If my marriage breaks apart, if anything were to happen to my son, I'd have nothing.  NOTHING.  I would be worthless to myself and the world.  I am not sure medication or therapy can do it this time.  I just have no idea what I'm doing, how to function or how to make changes for myself.  And time is ticking away so quickly.  I'm another year older in only a couple of months.  Getting ready to say goodbye to another decade soon.  One more year.

I can't even end this blog entry with some kind of conclusion, because I have none.  Just feeling lost and with my wheels spinning in mud.  No place to go, no plans to change anything . . .  Hoping my therapist can help.  Why did I have to have this problem?  I feel so weak, like no one respects me.  And genetics are bringing me down.

Namaste . . .

I've been doing yoga pretty consistently now (for me) for about 3 or so months.  There was a week in there where my mother-in-law came to visit, and a week where I was sick that kept me from having a perfect record, but I've been as consistent as possible.  I supplement with protein and try to limit fatty foods, which is extremely difficult for me sometimes.  But I've noticed some benefits in a relatively short period of time.

My strength and flexibility have improved, for one.  I was feeling a bit aged there for a while, I have to admit.  And my knees had been bothering me on long investigations outdoors, when I had to go up and down hills a lot.  But now my knees feel great!  I can hardly believe how little effort it has taken me, and how little motivation I need to get started in the morning.  I actually look forward to it.  And I guess that is the key, isn't it?  Finding something that suits YOU, specifically.  Most yoga workouts I found were too easy, and I didn't see much benefit from doing them.  But the new one is tough tough tough tough tough.  I still like it, though, and I can still convince myself to do it in the morning, which are good characteristics for a workout. 

Probably the best and most notable benefit for me is that my resting heart rate has dropped dramatically.  Not long ago, I had a doctor tell me they were considering medications for me.  My resting heart rate wandered from between 90 to 110.  It didn't matter how relaxed I was, how low the stress was, or anything.  I was just unhealthy, to put a fine point on the matter.  I was working my way to an early grave.  It scared me, but I just couldn't motivate myself enough to do anything about it.  Sometimes I am keenly aware that the old me is still lurking inside, and hopefully she doesn't show herself again, not while I'm doing so well. 

I like seeing muscles become more defined, my posture become more upright, and my color turn healthier.  I hope I don't slip back into my old patterns.  That is a thought that frightens me.  I'm not good at dealing with change, apparently.  As long as nothing changes, I'll be able to keep my routine.  But when things go haywire, when I need the exercise, stress relief, and health benefits the most, I fail. 

So, just in case you were wondering, I'm doing the Biggest Loser Workout:  Weight Loss Yoga DVD.  It's awesome.  I can do the entire hour-long workout now.  I feel so strong, knowing what I can do now.  I remember when I first started the DVD program, and I couldn't even finish the first 30 minutes.  They were so HARD!  I had to stop and take breaks, I felt shaky and weak, and I could barely catch my breath the entire time.  What a difference after 2 weeks, when I never thought I'd be able to add the level 2 workout, I was doing it!  Not always the best the first time, but after I week, I had the hang of it.  I'll never forget the level of accomplishment I felt when I finished the whole hour for the first time!  Wow!  Now I can do the entire hour on a regular basis.

I'm still a bit chunky, I have to say.  Not the heaviest I've ever been, but not quite in the healthy range.  I have some work to do.  But at least I have a little ammunition now.  I don't have a beach body by any means.  But I can keep up with my son better, and I can walk without excruciating pain.  I'm a winner even if the weight never leaves, mostly because I'm healthier and stronger. 

Identity Crisis

This post will be a quickie.  I have a busy evening planned.

So have you noticed this blog has an identity crisis?  Yeah, I thought so.  Can't make apologies for that, since I sort of titled the blog to make up for that!  But today I had my regular therapy, then got some GOOD news for a change.  A medical bill we were terrified to pay was reduced to where we pay $0!!!  Yep, they changed the bill to reflect a zero balance after the insurance paid it's portion!!!  Woohoo!  Needed some good news, really.

I was in a funk anyway, due to the depression, and really didn't feel like being social.  Now the plans I have for the evening don't seem quite as annoying.  I will frequently make plans, then later feel stuck into them, even if it's something fun.  It's hard when depressed to make yourself get out of the house, even when you know it will do you some good.  There is a serious lack of interest in normal activities going on in my head.  Now it's off to t-ball practice for my son, then I have to run off for an investigation this evening.

In my spare time, once in a while, I am a paranormal investigator.  It's something I've been interested in since I was a child, and I'll blog about that when I have more time.  But as much as I feel sleepy already, and as much as I really don't feel like driving so far, I committed myself to the team, and they need me.  When I signed up, it sounded like fun, but then the depression kicks in and sabotages my life.  I would probably never do anything, ever, if I let my brain have it's way.  I would cancel every plan I ever made and stay home and get fat.  Once I am on the way, I know I'll get more excited about it.  I usually find myself a bit wired if it's a good location, excited to see what might happen and what I might find.  I am the most skeptical believer you'll ever meet, but when I find something irrefutable, it's a fantastic feeling. 

So I guess I need to go.  Time to get stuff done.  And who am I?  You might be asking yourself.  I have no idea.  I'm a little of a lot.  Keep reading and find out more, if you feel like you can take the mosaic quality of my life!  :)

Birthdays and Blessings

It's my mom's birthday today!  Yep, April Fool's Day.  Makes you think she had lots of awesome birthday parties growing up, lots of fun pranks and craziness, but not so.  She had a rough life.  I'm not about to air her dirty laundry here, but suffice it to say she felt abandoned a lot, and it's a miracle I had the childhood I had, considering her lack of role models.  She did great.  What an awesome mom.  She made sacrifices and gave up what she felt she needed to in order for us to have a real childhood.  I love her dearly, even though for years she thought to be strong, she had to hide her feelings.  She tells me she's proud of me now, and my son.  That means a lot coming from her.  She had a lot to bear on her shoulders over the years, and she came out strong.

*****

A friend of mine gave birth to a miracle child a few short months ago, and the baby is doing great.  She's about to have a blessing ceremony at a church near her home in England.  I wish I could go to see her.  I've never met the baby, just seen pictures.  But she looks absolutely gorgeous, and I've never seen such a happy mother.  It was a miracle that she got pregnant, with multiple health problems, then to have a healthy pregnancy and safe childbirth . . .  Miracle baby, I tell you.  And she must have had a wonderful team of doctors behind her, keeping everything going so smoothly.

I remember how happy she was when she heard I was pregnant, and went through every step with me, long distance, as if it were her own pregnancy.  I felt so glad to have her as a friend, but sad she might not get to have the same blessing I did.  It would be rough, the doctor's said, and not recommended.  But somehow, she managed it.  I got to hear the about the whole process from start to finish, and now I get regular updates in photos and phone calls, to let me know how the baby is doing.  So happy for her.

*****

So today I tried to keep my mind off of my problems, and onto the happiness of others for a change.  Let's see what tomorrow brings.  It might be great, if I'm willing to see it.