Just wanted to make sure I take advantage of a few minutes to blog. I've been busy, yes, but also preoccupied. Worried some things in my life are going to be lost due to my neglect. First on my list would be my husband. I think I have been neglecting our relationship since I've been depressed. It's easy to give in to my emotional state and just withdraw, and sometimes we aren't the best at communicating. I might feel stressed out and try to talk to him about it, and he's in a similar state doesn't feel like he can handle my feelings on top of his . . . So I just try not to talk about feelings with him. As a result, I don't feel as close to him as I used to. I don't feel close to anyone, honestly. My family is far away, but it's one of those things where it feels like I'm doing all of the work to keep us connected. They never seem to ask about my son, and I usually end up feeling like there is just "ice" between us, a chill that never warms up. It wasn't necessarily like that when I was growing up, but it is now. Distance growing figuratively as well as literally.
And who else am I supposed to confide in? So far, the friends I've made here have been false ones. Still looking for real friends. And with a lack of closeness between my husband and I, I wonder what will become of us. And how much of it is my own fault? Maybe it's just the ways I've chosen to "help" really seem to "hurt". I don't even know. I think he doesn't want to hear my feelings, or that he'd invalidate them by making me seem like I'm overreacting to whatever the situation might be. He treats me like that. Maybe I assume he feels that way a lot, even when he doesn't. But in my defense, he has taught me to feel that way. So what's left?
As I worry about that, I worry about my son, my own goals . . . My son has had problems lately, things that concern me, but aren't the worst in the world. Still worries, though. And my own goals? Nonexistent. I really have none. I have a website that I try to put artwork on, stuff that helps me work through stress and grief. I want to do something positive, to change the world for the better, but I think I'm going to be one of those people that passes away without many people even knowing she existed. Am I really even living life to the fullest? Not in the slightest.
That's not to say I've never had any positive experiences, because I have been very lucky throughout my life, in spite of limited means. I've done a lot of things I never thought I'd do. But I can't find myself content to live in the past, and merely enjoy the things I've already done, with no plans to ever do anything ever again. If my marriage breaks apart, if anything were to happen to my son, I'd have nothing. NOTHING. I would be worthless to myself and the world. I am not sure medication or therapy can do it this time. I just have no idea what I'm doing, how to function or how to make changes for myself. And time is ticking away so quickly. I'm another year older in only a couple of months. Getting ready to say goodbye to another decade soon. One more year.
I can't even end this blog entry with some kind of conclusion, because I have none. Just feeling lost and with my wheels spinning in mud. No place to go, no plans to change anything . . . Hoping my therapist can help. Why did I have to have this problem? I feel so weak, like no one respects me. And genetics are bringing me down.
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