Hey . . .

Just wanted to make sure I take advantage of a few minutes to blog.  I've been busy, yes, but also preoccupied.  Worried some things in my life are going to be lost due to my neglect.  First on my list would be my husband.  I think I have been neglecting our relationship since I've been depressed.  It's easy to give in to my emotional state and just withdraw, and sometimes we aren't the best at communicating.  I might feel stressed out and try to talk to him about it, and he's in a similar state doesn't feel like he can handle my feelings on top of his . . .  So I just try not to talk about feelings with him.  As a result, I don't feel as close to him as I used to.  I don't feel close to anyone, honestly.  My family is far away, but it's one of those things where it feels like I'm doing all of the work to keep us connected.  They never seem to ask about my son, and I usually end up feeling like there is just "ice" between us, a chill that never warms up.  It wasn't necessarily like that when I was growing up, but it is now.  Distance growing figuratively as well as literally.

And who else am I supposed to confide in?  So far, the friends I've made here have been false ones.  Still looking for real friends.  And with a lack of closeness between my husband and I, I wonder what will become of us.  And how much of it is my own fault?  Maybe it's just the ways I've chosen to "help" really seem to "hurt".  I don't even know.  I think he doesn't want to hear my feelings, or that he'd invalidate them by making me seem like I'm overreacting to whatever the situation might be.  He treats me like that.  Maybe I assume he feels that way a lot, even when he doesn't.  But in my defense, he has taught me to feel that way.  So what's left?

As I worry about that, I worry about my son, my own goals . . .  My son has had problems lately, things that concern me, but aren't the worst in the world.  Still worries, though.  And my own goals?  Nonexistent.  I really have none.  I have a website that I try to put artwork on, stuff that helps me work through stress and grief.  I want to do something positive, to change the world for the better, but I think I'm going to be one of those people that passes away without many people even knowing she existed.  Am I really even living life to the fullest?  Not in the slightest.

That's not to say I've never had any positive experiences, because I have been very lucky throughout my life, in spite of limited means.  I've done a lot of things I never thought I'd do.  But I can't find myself content to live in the past, and merely enjoy the things I've already done, with no plans to ever do anything ever again.  If my marriage breaks apart, if anything were to happen to my son, I'd have nothing.  NOTHING.  I would be worthless to myself and the world.  I am not sure medication or therapy can do it this time.  I just have no idea what I'm doing, how to function or how to make changes for myself.  And time is ticking away so quickly.  I'm another year older in only a couple of months.  Getting ready to say goodbye to another decade soon.  One more year.

I can't even end this blog entry with some kind of conclusion, because I have none.  Just feeling lost and with my wheels spinning in mud.  No place to go, no plans to change anything . . .  Hoping my therapist can help.  Why did I have to have this problem?  I feel so weak, like no one respects me.  And genetics are bringing me down.

Identity Crisis

This post will be a quickie.  I have a busy evening planned.

So have you noticed this blog has an identity crisis?  Yeah, I thought so.  Can't make apologies for that, since I sort of titled the blog to make up for that!  But today I had my regular therapy, then got some GOOD news for a change.  A medical bill we were terrified to pay was reduced to where we pay $0!!!  Yep, they changed the bill to reflect a zero balance after the insurance paid it's portion!!!  Woohoo!  Needed some good news, really.

I was in a funk anyway, due to the depression, and really didn't feel like being social.  Now the plans I have for the evening don't seem quite as annoying.  I will frequently make plans, then later feel stuck into them, even if it's something fun.  It's hard when depressed to make yourself get out of the house, even when you know it will do you some good.  There is a serious lack of interest in normal activities going on in my head.  Now it's off to t-ball practice for my son, then I have to run off for an investigation this evening.

In my spare time, once in a while, I am a paranormal investigator.  It's something I've been interested in since I was a child, and I'll blog about that when I have more time.  But as much as I feel sleepy already, and as much as I really don't feel like driving so far, I committed myself to the team, and they need me.  When I signed up, it sounded like fun, but then the depression kicks in and sabotages my life.  I would probably never do anything, ever, if I let my brain have it's way.  I would cancel every plan I ever made and stay home and get fat.  Once I am on the way, I know I'll get more excited about it.  I usually find myself a bit wired if it's a good location, excited to see what might happen and what I might find.  I am the most skeptical believer you'll ever meet, but when I find something irrefutable, it's a fantastic feeling. 

So I guess I need to go.  Time to get stuff done.  And who am I?  You might be asking yourself.  I have no idea.  I'm a little of a lot.  Keep reading and find out more, if you feel like you can take the mosaic quality of my life!  :)

Hi!

This is a new blog, and I thought I'd introduce myself a bit. I used to have another blog or two, but neither seem to fit my life anymore. Time to start anew, you know? And hopefully get it right this time. My old blog was based on my being bipolar, which I've since learned that I am NOT. So much for that. Thank goodness, honestly. I never really identified with that diagnosis, and someone I respect had convinced me of that, and no doctor ever confirmed it. So I am confident now that I have plain ol' run of the mill depression, with some anxiety. I can deal with that. Rather boring, truthfully, so I won't blog about it here unless something dramatic comes up. It's just not a part of my identity anymore, so I refuse to have another mental illness blog. Too many out there.

So the new identity? Why "disobedient"? Well, frankly because I don't know what it will be, and also because I'm a bad blogger. So I'm BB, the Bad Blogger here. I'm not very consistent, not always interesting, and I admit I'll be frequently boring. Hey, there, I said it. So don't be surprised. I admit it up front. There will probably be posts about what's going on in my life, what I'm hopefully up to, if I'm not too busy with everyday life, and some tidbits about hobbies, my family, and gosh, whatever other people blog about.

Do people read blogs anymore? Does anyone care this is out here on the 'net? What does this blog have to offer that no other blog does? Well, I don't know. But it's here.

Thanks for reading, if you made it this far, and hope to see you again.

BB