Days of whining have sort of led me to a sense of deep dissatisfaction. Guess it was inevitable, and I guess I did it to myself. I've pretty much decided that I don't want to live in California anymore. It's too expensive and you get so little in return. And that's for a family living on a 6-figure income! So it hardly seems fair. We still struggle with daily expenses. I have no friends I consider good ones, for various reasons. I find people I like, but just don't feel close to. I could say it's all in my head, but for some reason it sincerely feels like they just don't "click" with me, I guess. They live too far away, don't have the same interests, don't want to be bothered with someone who has a kid . . . I've tried to make friends with some of Ethan's classmates' parents, but that hasn't worked out too well. They all just suddenly withdraw from us, and I don't have a clue why. I feel horribly lonely.
But then when I think about moving, I simply dread the thought. It was hard to move out here, away from family and friends. All of our possessions seem scattered to the winds. What we have left isn't much. And the thought of my son having to adjust to life again in a new place, new school, new friends, doesn't seem so fair, either. But the smog is getting to us, my son has allergies so bad he has to take pills every day and he can barely breathe at night as he sleeps. That can't be good. So I have to choose between his mental health and his physical health? I'm not sure how to BEGIN to do that. And he has nightmares almost every night as it is. Don't know if it's related to the instability, or just the surroundings, the school he's in . . . Could be anything.
When people talk about southern California with such admiration, I really wonder about it. I've NEVER wanted to live here, ever. In fact, it was on our list of places we DID NOT want to move to. But somehow we ended up here. Yeah, the weather is nice, but I honestly don't know how people can see past the dirt that's in the air, the graffiti, the litter on the ground, and say this place is pretty. Very little of the city seems well-maintained or clean, in my opinion. There are flowers, fruit trees, mountains . . . But all are almost constantly obscured by smog and soot-like dirt that's almost impossible to clean. I hesitate to eat the fruit in the backyard. Doesn't feel like I can ever get it clean enough.
Wow, now I sound like a person with really bad OCD, don't I? I would laugh, but I know how it sounds. Especially since so many people think this place is so great. I don't get it myself. This city has a massive superiority complex. It's a huge turn-off for me. HUGE turn-off. People are shallow, and proud of it. All of the stereotypes seem oddly true. It's hard to take sometimes; I'm a person who just CRAVES the genuine, the unpretentious.
I would like my son to grow up somewhere that I don't have to worry about what kind of person he'll grow up to be. But moving seems so drastic. Can't have it both ways. And what about my husband? He works in television. Where else can we go that he won't have to work in local TV anymore? He loves having national accounts and more interesting projects to work on. He's thriving on it, in fact. How can we all get what we want?
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