Questions. Lots of questions.

I think I'm dealing pretty well overall with a lot of issues, especially those dealing with my past.  Also learning to cope with the fact that some things I once believed in might not be what I thought they were.  Changing my own history in some ways, and how I react to it.  It's tough, but I think I've made quite a lot of progress.

My mood has been lifted, overall, by a wonderful vacation I had recently.  I saw a lot of wonderful things, showed my son some things he'll remember forever.  Spent quality time together, which we needed.  It was a great experience, and we got to bond with our new dog as well.  He loved the cities, the hikes, and the sights . . .  I think he enjoyed it as much as we did!

So now I'm home, and I guess everyone feels blue after returning home after a vacation.  I feel more than that, even.  I feel like I'm in the wrong place.  The wrong city.  I felt like that in Fort Worth, too, since I felt like such an outsider.  I had nothing in common with 99% of the people I met.  It was disheartening and lonely.  Now I'm in the Los Angeles area, and meeting people with similar interests, but none of them really care to get to know me.  I've noticed that it's sort of a syndrome here, that people (in general) are content to have many acquaintances and few (if any) close friends.  A lot seem more interested in networking than truly meeting people.  It's a lonely feeling.  I've come to wonder if something is wrong with me that I still haven't made close friends here.  And there is evidence for that, which I'll share.

First, I have always lived in a city where I had family to lean on, so I'm not used to meeting new people.  It's  a skill, and I don't think people realize they don't do it until they really need to do it.  So now I've had to meet people, build relationships from scratch, and I don't know if I've done so well.  It's hard feeling rejected over and over and over again and not letting it get to you.  Try to be friendly, people think you're weird.  Hand out contact info, no one ever calls back.  Play it aloof, no one talks to you.  Ugh.  What is wrong with these people? I feel like asking.  But what if it's me?

I made a couple of close friends when I first moved here, people I thought were easy to talk to and to get to know.  It made living here a pleasure.  I felt like I could grow as a person, and maybe enjoy living here for a while, even though it never has felt like a home to me, or a place I'd like to raise my family and grow old in.  But both of those friends ended up hurting me.  Both were insecure women, like me.  They decided to end our friendships at different times.  One breakup really hurt, the other I was half-waiting for.  Both women seemed to want more from me than I could give, with a husband and child.  One wanted me to practically date her, call her daily.  The other wanted me to be single and go out all weekend.    Did I not commit enough of myself to these friendships?  Were they worth keeping?  I want to tell myself that if it took more out of me than I was getting back, it wasn't worth it.  But as I sit here, lonely, feeling detached from this place, wanting to go find my home town, I wonder if I've made mistakes that push people away.  If it's me that's the problem, what is it I'm doing wrong?  What did I do?  What can I do to fix it?  Or have I really just not met the right people?  And where are they?  And how do I build a relationship with them in this place?

Feeling uncertain about that.  Otherwise, I've adapted to the fact that some of the people I used to admire and trust aren't who I thought they were.  It's hard to admit this sometimes, but my whole family is just messed up.  I guess, whose family isn't, right?  But it was hard to accept that about my family.  I'm not proud of that.  I'm not perfect myself, and how could anyone be, much less someone coming from that family history.  It's a little bit easier, in some ways, living farther away, and not having to watch that decline on a daily basis.  Each one of them seems to succumb to a different demon.  And denial that the real problem is the problem, in one way or another. 

Now I'm stuck with this feeling that I really want to look for my home, the place I belong, love, feel pride in, feel safe, clean, and like my son will do well there.  But that's not practical.  Money, jobs, responsibilities, commitments . . .  It's not realistic.  But I don't want to live regretting what I failed to do anymore.  So what DO I do?

How I feel today, and it's not good:

Days of whining have sort of led me to a sense of deep dissatisfaction.  Guess it was inevitable, and I guess I did it to myself.  I've pretty much decided that I don't want to live in California anymore.  It's too expensive and you get so little in return.  And that's for a family living on a 6-figure income!  So it hardly seems fair.  We still struggle with daily expenses.  I have no friends I consider good ones, for various reasons.  I find people I like, but just don't feel close to.  I could say it's all in my head, but for some reason it sincerely feels like they just don't "click" with me, I guess.  They live too far away, don't have the same interests, don't want to be bothered with someone who has a kid . . .  I've tried to make friends with some of Ethan's classmates' parents, but that hasn't worked out too well.  They all just suddenly withdraw from us, and I don't have a clue why.  I feel horribly lonely.

But then when I think about moving, I simply dread the thought.  It was hard to move out here, away from family and friends.  All of our possessions seem scattered to the winds.  What we have left isn't much.  And the thought of my son having to adjust to life again in a new place, new school, new friends, doesn't seem so fair, either.  But the smog is getting to us, my son has allergies so bad he has to take pills every day and he can barely breathe at night as he sleeps.  That can't be good.  So I have to choose between his mental health and his physical health?  I'm not sure how to BEGIN to do that.  And he has nightmares almost every night as it is.  Don't know if it's related to the instability, or just the surroundings, the school he's in . . .  Could be anything. 

When people talk about southern California with such admiration, I really wonder about it.  I've NEVER wanted to live here, ever.  In fact, it was on our list of places we DID NOT want to move to.  But somehow we ended up here.  Yeah, the weather is nice, but I honestly don't know how people can see past the dirt that's in the air, the graffiti, the litter on the ground, and say this place is pretty.  Very little of the city seems well-maintained or clean, in my opinion.  There are flowers, fruit trees, mountains . . .  But all are almost constantly obscured by smog and soot-like dirt that's almost impossible to clean.  I hesitate to eat the fruit in the backyard.  Doesn't feel like I can ever get it clean enough. 

Wow, now I sound like a person with really bad OCD, don't I?  I would laugh, but I know how it sounds.  Especially since so many people think this place is so great.  I don't get it myself.  This city has a massive superiority complex.  It's a huge turn-off for me.  HUGE turn-off.  People are shallow, and proud of it.  All of the stereotypes seem oddly true.  It's hard to take sometimes; I'm a person who just CRAVES the genuine, the unpretentious. 

I would like my son to grow up somewhere that I don't have to worry about what kind of person he'll grow up to be.  But moving seems so drastic.  Can't have it both ways.  And what about my husband?  He works in television.  Where else can we go that he won't have to work in local TV anymore?  He loves having national accounts and more interesting projects to work on.  He's thriving on it, in fact.  How can we all get what we want?

Get me outta here!

I'm so tired of money troubles I could just scream!!  I've always had to struggle, ever since I was a child, but I was always okay somehow.  Everything turned out fine.  When I met my husband, we each had a lot of debt, and were forced into bankruptcy when we found we were so broke we were paying bills with credit cards just to avoid being late.  We had scratched and saved and pinched every penny we could before then, even selling our car and giving up everyday things we considered luxuries.  We had to struggle to get back out of that hole, but it slowly happened.  When hubby got the job in California, it seemed like things were finally going our way.

Then he got laid off, rather suddenly.  With no warning, we were forced to move again, to scale back our lifestyle, only farther than we had before, ever.  That turned into a disaster as well, since the smaller place we moved into was horrible and unsafe for me and my child.  We broke the lease, and moved into the place we live now.  It's less than half the size of the house we owned in our home state, and with no modern conveniences.  At least it's a house, and it is in a safe neighborhood, we said.

But now we're back in the same boat again, it seems.  Just as the bankruptcy is about to disappear from our credit records, just as we seem to have weathered the storm, that horrible place unsafe for me and my child has now served us with papers--they are suing us for breaking our lease! 

Now what?  I know I don't know if they will win their case or not, but the stress is horrible.  And just as we are struggling with medical bills after hubby's employer changed the health insurance they offered this year.  The future looks so dismal right now I can't take it.  I just can't.  Why have things turned so wrong, so badly?  Did we make a mistake somewhere?  At the moment, in hindsight, I wish we hadn't moved to California.  I hate this place.  It takes so much more work to get ahead here, and life is much harder than before.  It takes such great effort just to meet people and make friends, and just groceries are almost unmanageable.  I hate how much insurance costs here, how much housing costs, and how the standards of living are so much lower than back home.  I hate that just to be able to pay our bills that we are bound to see in the near future, we're going to have to move again to an even smaller place, if we can find one.  I can't stand trying to take care of my son here, trying to keep him safe and going to a decent public school (see, no luxuries there, either), and it's almost impossible.  The smallest setback here becomes a huge one.  I miss having my family around.  I miss nice people.  I miss things being affordable.

I guess things could still be worse, but I'm tired of saying that, too.  I swear, I am fed up with this city and everything around it.