Looking forward . . .

I am actually finding myself looking forward to blogging again.  I think for a while I had become jaded.  Maybe I had enough people to talk to, maybe it was hard putting feelings on the web and finding that it really didn't mean anything to anyone, or change anything.  But now I find myself in a different place, mentally.  I could really use a space to talk things out, since I have found so few people I really connect with on a psychological level here in Los Angeles.  Too many shallow people, and people who are self-centered and demanding.  I can't take it sometimes.  It's like I'm talking to the wind, and my voice is either unheard or whisked away.  No one cares about anyone else but themselves here, and I know there are exceptions, but those are too hard to find sometimes.  I feel lonely in a crowded room.  

I have quite a few friends here, don't get me wrong.  I love every one of them.  But none are what I would call "close friends" or "lifelong friends".  Maybe some of those feelings I have stem from being so far from my home state, and from my entire family.  I have a husband and son, and a dog.  Those guys are close to me.  But hey, they are guys.  I could use some "girl time" now and then, know what I mean?  Still looking for friends.  And this blog can at least keep me from just putting my guys through an emotional avalanche now and again.  I know I can overwhelm them with my feelings, and there isn't much they can do to fix it.  It's a lot of pressure to lay on them, when I know the real problem is me.  I need to do the work to build relationships with people here, and do so with the right kind of people.  

I made the mistake right after we moved here of building friendships with a couple of people most of the world would see as mentally unstable.  I think I thought at the time that I could relate to them, and that I understand people like that, people with mental problems.  But what I failed to see is that they don't see the world like I do, and they don't see friends like I do, and they could easily tear me down whenever life got too difficult for them.  I was an easy target, right there with low self-esteem, ready to apologize for things I didn't even do just to have a friend here.  They could vent frustrations all over me, and I would wipe it off and move on.  But they tore me down, ripped me apart, and took advantage of my forgiveness.  Honestly, it's not good to have people around you who make things worse rather than better.  I have my own problems as it is, and depression, self-esteem issues, and anxiety are tough to deal with on their own, without adding unstable people to the mix.  It's hard for me sometimes, simply because I have a strong desire to make things better, and to help people, and to be needed.  It's nice when someone sees you as kind, helpful, loving, and all the things you want.  But someone with a true personality disorder comes along, they can change that opinion in an instant without regard for all you've done for them, what can you do?  I tell myself it's not my fault, that they have problems that they must address themselves, etc.  But it still hurts, I have to say.  I don't like knowing there are people out there who think the worst of me, especially when I didn't do or say what they think I said.  It was inevitable though, the more I learn about personality disorders.  Not the kind of person I need to be friends with, with my issues being what they are.  I'm just not strong enough.

So this blank space will be here for me to talk to.  Thanks, blank space, for letting me type here.  I appreciate it.  I'll do my best to visit here, and to do what I said at the start, and that's to LOOK FORWARD.  I don't know what life will bring, but I know I'm always striving to be a better person, better mom, better wife.  That's all I can do.  I can enjoy moments with my family, see my son healthy and happy, and know I've done a good job where it counts. 

Thanks for reading.  :)

BB