One thing I can't get over lately, no matter how hard I try, is how distant my family has become. Even if I tell myself it's something I can't change, that there is only so much I can do and I've done it all, I feel distraught, even grief-stricken over it. We used to be close, and now that period in our lives is over.
I remember family vacations, times when we all came together to overcome adversity, and closeness that came with time. I remember my mother coming with me to my ultrasound appointment. We went shopping for maternity clothes. She stayed with me in the hospital while I waited for my son to be born. Then . . .
That was it. She was gone. She just started separating herself from my life. It happened almost suddenly. I could sense that a large part of it was that I had a baby, but I didn't know why she seemed to leave, and she wouldn't tell me. And from that time on, she changed dramatically. She has never been what I would call a warm and fuzzy person, or an open book, but we had our moments. Then she just had a nonchalant quality about my visits, seemed critical of my parenting, and has even told me that she thinks my son is spoiled and tries to annoy her on purpose. I don't get it. He's a nerdy boy, quiet, and sensitive. I don't see how she could get that from his actions, honestly. And no one else tells me that, just her. It hurts deeply.
Somehow that has affected the relationships I have with everyone in my family. My sister (who lives with her) might agree just to have something to talk about with her, or who knows. She and I have always been the closest, and now she's almost a stranger. My other sister, who married and lives nearby, almost never visited me or allowed me to visit once my son was born because he would damage their collectibles, they said. Even when we moved out of my old hometown, they rarely visited, and when they did it was only for a couple of hours and they would make the long drive home.
The only person to really make an effort to stay in my life is my closest sister. When we feel close, we're close. When we're separate, we're still the closest of my family. I just don't have as much in common with her as I once did, and I see her as much younger than me psychologically, since I've grown a lot as a result of my life's decisions (comparatively). I try to have a relationship with my father. At least he seems to want one, but finances keep us apart, and his anxiety. It's a long story. And the good relationship I once had with my in-laws is stretching thinner as health problems plague them and change their personalities. We've all changed, and in ways that have drawn us further and further apart. And in all of that chaos, I've moved geographically farther apart.
Sometimes my father blames me for what he sees as a breakdown in my sister's mental state. "She was better when you were here," he'll tell me. As if my moving home will fix it all. And I know it won't. He worries. Just wants to turn back the clock. Maybe that's what I want, too. Just to go back to how it was when we all loved and supported each other. Now we never really talk, hide feelings from one another, and secretly resent each other. I don't know how I could have lost my mother over the birth of my child. It seemed like it would bring us closer together. I don't know how she could just leave and not try to repair this. If she's depressed, why won't she get help? That's the reason she gave for leaving my father, that he had problems and wouldn't get help for them. If that's the case, I can't forgive it. I mean, she hated my father for that, and she's doing the same thing. If she feels like she's "uncomfortable" around children, why doesn't she try to get to know him? Why does she see him as a completely different person than I do? And it's not my "love blindness" talking. I've heard others tell me the complete opposite of what she tells me. Obviously to me, something's wrong. And time is flying by and she has absolutely NO relationship with him at all, and it's not going to get closer with time.
My heart aches as I write this. Tears blur my eyes. I can't stand how dysfunctional we've all become, and how little we know or feel about each other. There will be a time when it's too late, and I don't know why she doesn't care. And my sisters are all with her there, physically, and I'm here. I know it would make no difference. Even when I lived 1/2 a mile away she didn't visit me. Only sissy C did. And dad. They're the ones I miss most. And my son, too, since he actually has a relationship with them, unlike my mom and my other sister. And that's virtually all we have left in our lives now, just them. Our families are shrinking with illness and age. I feel a sense of desperation about reconciliation, but I think I'm the only one.
I feel like such an idiot. Crying about why my mom never showed me she loved me. Why she doesn't love my son. Even if she loves us, somehow, somewhere in there, she treats us like she wants nothing to do with us. I stayed in her HOME on my last visit, and barely saw here. She would retreat to her bedroom and talk on the phone or use her computer. I traveled 1500 miles to be there, and made sure to bring my son so she could see him as he grows up so quickly, and she sat there in her room and did all the things she does every day when I'm NOT there. How can I not feel hurt? How can I reconcile this? If we had NEVER been close, I could see it, but . . .
I feel like I've done something wrong somehow. What am I not seeing? What have I done? What haven't I said? I just don't know. And why am I unable to let this go now that I can't change it? Why am I still spending at least one night a week crying at midnight and unable to sleep?
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