The last time I was here, I was feeling very lost. I had no idea who I was or which way to go ... I still struggle with this, but I think I'm making progress.
One of the best decisions I've ever made was to walk in my first 5K. It was a Weight Watchers event, and it also seemed like a good way to see how far I've come while making strides toward better overall health. I have to say, I never do things on my own. Never. I don't like going somewhere and not knowing anyone there, going to a restaurant and eating alone, etc. I can finally go shopping by myself, but that's about it. And try as I might to get someone to walk with me at the 5K, I just couldn't. I guess no one thought walking 3 miles on a weekend morning sounded like fun! Hey, I wasn't sure I wanted to do it, either! But in the spirit of seeking mental strength and challenging my old patterns, I "made" myself do it! It was harder than I thought it would be, but still something I finished without too too much difficulty. I think my time was something like 57 minutes? Not great, but I did it. I was proud of myself for all sorts of reasons.
On the day of the race, one of the organizers spoke about training for another competition over the summer, something I had never even considered doing before. I wasn't even sure it sounded like fun, or even if it sounded like something I wanted to do. But the intriguing part was how he phrased it. You start with 30 minutes on a Saturday morning, and work your way up, and by October, you can run or walk a half marathon!
What? I thought. Not ME, though! I really didn't think I was capable of doing it, even with the training. And what if I didn't have the time? What if I had made the financial commitment of training, and then I couldn't follow through? I had many doubts. But he made it sound like almost anyone can do it. I was fascinated . . .
So, here I am, and it's October. What did I do all summer? I trained for a half marathon! Yep! Me, one of the least athletic people you will ever meet, and I'm getting ready to participate in my first serious race. I've even kept up with the training, for the most part. The people involved in it are fantastic beyond words! So much encouragement, wisdom, and technical knowledge that even a non-athlete like me can believe in myself. I'm amazed, seriously! And it's done wonders for my lagging self-esteem, and made me realize I can commit to things if they mean enough to me, even if I have to ask for help from my husband to make it possible. It's coming up at the end of the month!
It also felt great to get back into photography and crochet again. I have barely used my camera since I bought it, mostly because I am stuck in a routine that doesn't involve much self-expression. But I made myself walk to the park, take photos, and embellish them with Adobe Lightroom. Wonderful software, and I wish I could keep it beyond the 20 day trial. I love it! Hopefully someday it'll show up under the Christmas tree! :) So I got to use those creative muscles again, and again, it felt great! I think I got some good stuff from that experience. I'll probably post some here when I get a chance.
Guess that's it. I could write a novel on what's been on my mind, but that would be for the insomniacs out there. It would lull you to sleep most definitely! More good stuff to come, I hope!
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Questions. Lots of questions.
I think I'm dealing pretty well overall with a lot of issues, especially those dealing with my past. Also learning to cope with the fact that some things I once believed in might not be what I thought they were. Changing my own history in some ways, and how I react to it. It's tough, but I think I've made quite a lot of progress.
My mood has been lifted, overall, by a wonderful vacation I had recently. I saw a lot of wonderful things, showed my son some things he'll remember forever. Spent quality time together, which we needed. It was a great experience, and we got to bond with our new dog as well. He loved the cities, the hikes, and the sights . . . I think he enjoyed it as much as we did!
So now I'm home, and I guess everyone feels blue after returning home after a vacation. I feel more than that, even. I feel like I'm in the wrong place. The wrong city. I felt like that in Fort Worth, too, since I felt like such an outsider. I had nothing in common with 99% of the people I met. It was disheartening and lonely. Now I'm in the Los Angeles area, and meeting people with similar interests, but none of them really care to get to know me. I've noticed that it's sort of a syndrome here, that people (in general) are content to have many acquaintances and few (if any) close friends. A lot seem more interested in networking than truly meeting people. It's a lonely feeling. I've come to wonder if something is wrong with me that I still haven't made close friends here. And there is evidence for that, which I'll share.
First, I have always lived in a city where I had family to lean on, so I'm not used to meeting new people. It's a skill, and I don't think people realize they don't do it until they really need to do it. So now I've had to meet people, build relationships from scratch, and I don't know if I've done so well. It's hard feeling rejected over and over and over again and not letting it get to you. Try to be friendly, people think you're weird. Hand out contact info, no one ever calls back. Play it aloof, no one talks to you. Ugh. What is wrong with these people? I feel like asking. But what if it's me?
I made a couple of close friends when I first moved here, people I thought were easy to talk to and to get to know. It made living here a pleasure. I felt like I could grow as a person, and maybe enjoy living here for a while, even though it never has felt like a home to me, or a place I'd like to raise my family and grow old in. But both of those friends ended up hurting me. Both were insecure women, like me. They decided to end our friendships at different times. One breakup really hurt, the other I was half-waiting for. Both women seemed to want more from me than I could give, with a husband and child. One wanted me to practically date her, call her daily. The other wanted me to be single and go out all weekend. Did I not commit enough of myself to these friendships? Were they worth keeping? I want to tell myself that if it took more out of me than I was getting back, it wasn't worth it. But as I sit here, lonely, feeling detached from this place, wanting to go find my home town, I wonder if I've made mistakes that push people away. If it's me that's the problem, what is it I'm doing wrong? What did I do? What can I do to fix it? Or have I really just not met the right people? And where are they? And how do I build a relationship with them in this place?
Feeling uncertain about that. Otherwise, I've adapted to the fact that some of the people I used to admire and trust aren't who I thought they were. It's hard to admit this sometimes, but my whole family is just messed up. I guess, whose family isn't, right? But it was hard to accept that about my family. I'm not proud of that. I'm not perfect myself, and how could anyone be, much less someone coming from that family history. It's a little bit easier, in some ways, living farther away, and not having to watch that decline on a daily basis. Each one of them seems to succumb to a different demon. And denial that the real problem is the problem, in one way or another.
Now I'm stuck with this feeling that I really want to look for my home, the place I belong, love, feel pride in, feel safe, clean, and like my son will do well there. But that's not practical. Money, jobs, responsibilities, commitments . . . It's not realistic. But I don't want to live regretting what I failed to do anymore. So what DO I do?
My mood has been lifted, overall, by a wonderful vacation I had recently. I saw a lot of wonderful things, showed my son some things he'll remember forever. Spent quality time together, which we needed. It was a great experience, and we got to bond with our new dog as well. He loved the cities, the hikes, and the sights . . . I think he enjoyed it as much as we did!
So now I'm home, and I guess everyone feels blue after returning home after a vacation. I feel more than that, even. I feel like I'm in the wrong place. The wrong city. I felt like that in Fort Worth, too, since I felt like such an outsider. I had nothing in common with 99% of the people I met. It was disheartening and lonely. Now I'm in the Los Angeles area, and meeting people with similar interests, but none of them really care to get to know me. I've noticed that it's sort of a syndrome here, that people (in general) are content to have many acquaintances and few (if any) close friends. A lot seem more interested in networking than truly meeting people. It's a lonely feeling. I've come to wonder if something is wrong with me that I still haven't made close friends here. And there is evidence for that, which I'll share.
First, I have always lived in a city where I had family to lean on, so I'm not used to meeting new people. It's a skill, and I don't think people realize they don't do it until they really need to do it. So now I've had to meet people, build relationships from scratch, and I don't know if I've done so well. It's hard feeling rejected over and over and over again and not letting it get to you. Try to be friendly, people think you're weird. Hand out contact info, no one ever calls back. Play it aloof, no one talks to you. Ugh. What is wrong with these people? I feel like asking. But what if it's me?
I made a couple of close friends when I first moved here, people I thought were easy to talk to and to get to know. It made living here a pleasure. I felt like I could grow as a person, and maybe enjoy living here for a while, even though it never has felt like a home to me, or a place I'd like to raise my family and grow old in. But both of those friends ended up hurting me. Both were insecure women, like me. They decided to end our friendships at different times. One breakup really hurt, the other I was half-waiting for. Both women seemed to want more from me than I could give, with a husband and child. One wanted me to practically date her, call her daily. The other wanted me to be single and go out all weekend.
Feeling uncertain about that. Otherwise, I've adapted to the fact that some of the people I used to admire and trust aren't who I thought they were. It's hard to admit this sometimes, but my whole family is just messed up. I guess, whose family isn't, right? But it was hard to accept that about my family. I'm not proud of that. I'm not perfect myself, and how could anyone be, much less someone coming from that family history. It's a little bit easier, in some ways, living farther away, and not having to watch that decline on a daily basis. Each one of them seems to succumb to a different demon. And denial that the real problem is the problem, in one way or another.
Now I'm stuck with this feeling that I really want to look for my home, the place I belong, love, feel pride in, feel safe, clean, and like my son will do well there. But that's not practical. Money, jobs, responsibilities, commitments . . . It's not realistic. But I don't want to live regretting what I failed to do anymore. So what DO I do?
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)